Adoptive Parents

The day will come it always does when they want to know more. Do you hold back or give freely. Hard choice and I doubt it will be the right one, never is. Especially if you are a control freak. As a child of adoption I know. My life as a child was less than perfect and I dreamed of the day I would meet my Mom. Or she would come in and save me. Every Mom on TV was my fantasy Mom. I think even today as I am grown and have children of my own I still think every now and again what a great Mom so and so would be. I guess all of us that have grown up without one for whatever reason feel the same way. I met my Mom about 11 years ago. I had a daughter of my own. She was not what I exspected to say the least. She ended up having all sorts of her own problems. No other children... not from lack of trying on her part. I asked my story and got a line of shit. I dug deep and came to my own conclusion. I was part of a scheme of intrapment that went bad and so now I was not only unneeded but also in the way. Easy enough go away and get rid of me. Adoption! The name of the game. I am not sour, because not only did I get a new set of parents that gave me away themselves, I did get many opportunities in life. One thing for sure if I change one thing in my past I must give up my present as I know it now and there is nothing that would make me want that. So back to my point.,... My Mom (biological refered to as the oven) is my friend. She wants more but there is no way. My parents no matter what in the past has happen are my parents. So all you adoptive parent rest assured no matter what your kids will always think of you as thier parents no matter how shitty you are to them, or great. They might have a stage of doubt but they will return. Lords knows if I did they will. My oven is dieing. It makes me sad. I think her desire to be a part of my life and the fact I have no respect for her makes her a really good sounding board and I can tell her all my problems and not give a shit what she thinks. My real Mom and Dad or the ones that raised me for awhile are great to me now but I never really can trust them completely. I know like if I decided to have yet another child without being married they would have a cow although I think they like my partner better than me. Parents are very confusing to say the least and I am sure without a doubt one day they will be saying something similar about me. Does anyone even read this blog anymore? I guess it doesn't matter, just a form of theropy I guess. You can always be honest with your blog.

Slow

Time is moving so slow around me, or so it seems. I am not sure if I am in the dark or in the light these days. Sometimes I feel so alive and well and others I feel as though I am alone an empty shell walking through life. I have so much and yet at times feels so ungrateful like I should have more. I was taking my kids on a cruise this summer but cancelled. Circumstances beyond my control. I was sad not for me but for them. I know we will go on another and they really took it well. I am lucky no doubt. I am continueing my quest to help. Blind leading the blind, or so I like to think. It is true no doubt. Sometimes it appears the end of the world is coming or atleast the end of the world as we know it. Americans are so use to the way thier life is. It fears me to think what our future holds. Without the knowledge of the past and what our country once was how will we ever move forward. We are run by greed. Everyone wanting a piece of everyone, rich and powerful. No one stepping back and seeing who really these people are. Open our eyes, ears, and learn to think for ourselves. Reach deep in the past and learn from those that have walked before us. Do not trust that there is someone that will take care of all the wrong in the world for if you do you will have nothing in your future, democracy will be a thing of the past. Maybe life is moving slow for me, maybe I have crossed, and am now back in the dark. I don't know but I feel alive now at this moment in time, here with you. Let me know you came, leave a word behind. Share your thoughts, as I do mine. Together we will pass the time.

Days Gone By

Reality check! Walking down the street and I see them from the corner of my eye. I know them, they are family. I can read them they are my brothers my sisters my Mother and Father. The streetkids the homeless. I sit an observe not really them but those around to see. It is sad, you would think the ones with the looks would be the worse but no it is the ones that pretend they don't see. Do you know this year more kids will die on the streets than people killed in 9/11. Yet we spend time and money and lives to go after them but not hardly any though is given to our kids here, dieing in front of us daily. More kids will die in the streets than soldiers have died in Iraq. Yet when was the last time you turned on the news and heard a word about the lives of our children being taken everyday. Why...Cause we don't see them we don't want too. I don't want to and I am one of them. I walked away, I deserted my flock but today I am back and I see them, there in front of me, hungry, tired, dirty, clean, it is scary. Most of these kids have never known happiness, beaten abused by those that were meant to love them. I have heard the words so many times, "They choose to live like this, they want to live like this, why don't they get a job. I am hear to say they do, I did. We choose not to be beaten. We choose not ot be raped daily from our Mothers and Fathers, Sisters and Brothers, Uncles and Cousins. We are dead inside there is no life left in us. That is why we are here. Surviving no more no less. Crying ourselves to sleep wishing never to see the light of morning again. Our jobs are now to try and eat...How....We keep the pedifiles happy, we keep the old nasty men satisfied. We run the drugs and become a pimps property. This is better than what we left at home or in the happy foster system. We are empty we feel no more, why should we, how can we, if we have never felt before. Next time look at us, we are people, we are children. We have names, and faces, don't just throw us a dollar and feel you have done your part buy us a burger and look in our eyes. My friend was 8 years old when he first hit the streets. His father started raping him when he was 2 years old. To him it was better to have a stranger rape him then his father and atleast most of the time when the stranger was done he let him be instead of beating him. Alice is my friend, she was 11 when she came to the streets. In the first 24 hours here she learned to shoot up to take the pain away. Then she learned to sell herself for her drugs, no matter she had been raped by all her fathers friends (I should say sold for sex to support his habit) since she was 7. She was dead inside and later dead on the outside. 6 months and the streets ate her for dinner. The stories go on and on. All the same. This is how we treat our children. This is me, I know the fear, the inability to go to a shelter. I know the desire to stay on the streets with the only family you know. The ones who love you and protect you and understand you. Go home....Why...It is sad. So I get up and go to them and ask what can I do for you. If only one thing what can I do for you...Money says they...For what I ask....Food, they say. Come, and eat with me, stares and then nods. Pizza and coke and a smile every now and again. Thanks for caring say they in there own way.....You are my brother my sister, I say and they know.

So/

A flash in the dark, all night I wait, wait for sleep to come. Up and down no peace to be found. Wonder and write, remember reflect, try to be deep and then light all in one. Writing can not be an effort it must flow from inside. It can not be forced, it must intertwine the words, time, wisdom or ignorance shines through. One will surely be obtained. Writing is a freedom a privilege we take it for grant it, that all can share and talk as we do. Fear grasp so many to a point beyond our comprehension. I find in my most miserable lows or highest highs is when it is at its best. Some will understand what I say, some will be lost and then of course those who think they know or maybe they do know and it is me that is lost and confused. Humor at its best. Wonder if humor can flow in darkness, I am not sure sometimes it is hard to separate the light from the dark, normalcy from complete complication. Reality from a world within our own minds. It flows , but I wonder if it make sense, as my mind races in total exhaustion. Sleep deprived. Then you blink and it is gone. Try as you may and try as you might you can not enter the world you just left. Sadness! Peace!! Oh well! LOL, Life goes on!

Forever

Time passes and you never know where it goes. There one minute and gone the next. So much planned to do in those minutes of the day and yet they flow through your fingers like sand. I think the same is true for everyone. No matter who you are or what point in life you are at. On the streets time can drag but before you know it days have passed and then weeks and months and you wonder where they went and what you did. One day you are a kid safe in the nest and the next day, which seems like yesterday, you are grown and on your own. My day came at 16. I was grown and on my own or so said the state of Georgia. It is hard to imagine now when I look at my kids and other kids that any adult in there right mind could turn a kid of 16 out on there own. I don't even know when or how it happen. Almost like going from having a family to foster care the details are so foggy and almost unreal. When I look back now it is as if I am looking at another's life, not my own. How could that be my life. What happen where did it go. One day maybe I will learn from my mistakes and enjoy every minute as if my last. Learn to accept what is given to me as a gift and not a discomfort. I had a child look to me and say these things to me, at first I thought to myself if only she knew the real me. The same child again said these words about me and again I thought she was confused. Then I decided that this child saw something, in my heart, or maybe in my soul, that only a child could see. Forever a minute is gone, and replaced by a new. Take advantage, don't question, never doubt for it is true and real and can never be brought back. Never hurt one that reaches out to you with words of kindness, no matter what your mind might think, because in the heart, of the one that says them, lives a place for you. If you destroy or hurt it you have taken a piece of that ones heart, and for what? There can never be any good to come from that. Nothing but pain and sadness. Will they recover, of course but why should they have to, if it could have been avoided. If you, without thought hurt, make amends and let that piece you took grow back in time. Forever is a long time, never take a peace of forever.

Dark/Light

Some days are dark and some are light. Some you feel as though you will never be right others you feel as though you can fly through the night. Invincible no matter what you try, maybe this time you will die. Let the red river flow deep and run till its dry to a place that is peaceful. Where no harm is done. A place were love flows through out the land and all that are open can feel it's warmth. Then the darkness sets in and you feel as though you can no longer go on. The slit of the wrist and the blood that flows rinses your soul. One day the darkness will disappear and you will see the light. I have always said that it is ours to have just open your eyes and feel it. Not to worry my new found friends I am here and alive and doing well. This is a script from days gone by, hopefully a day that I will not relive.

Who is Lou?

Who is Lou? I feel as I go about my daily life that I am the same as anyone else. I feel guilt, over ever feeling sorry for myself , even though a part of me feels I have the right too, maybe just a bit. I want to be strong, I want to be able to stand look you in the face and say this is me, this is who I am, I am good, equal and worthy of friendship. That I above all others know the meaning of trust and honesty. I know the feeling of being isolated no matter what the reason be. I understand being watched and judged for every action I take or for just being me. I dislike no one but a liar and a thief, sadly though that includes many people. I am sad, at times, then I look into the eyes of my children and feel a love so strong that it scares me, and in that moment, I feel, that no matter what, I will be OK. Children all over this country are going to bed hungry tonight, but worse than that, they are going to bed, without the feeling that someone cares. Hunger is a very strong feeling, as is fear, but the worse feeling I ever felt was that of being totally alone. The feeling that, if I died at that moment, I would go in the ground without as much as a single tear drop being shed. I am Lou and I am the same as you, if you stop and look and listen you will see you already know me. I went to mass with a friend many years ago and we were to write our names on a card, if we were visiting, so I did. I have the worse handwriting of anyone. When the priest read my name he called me Louie and from that moment on, to my friends, I was known as Lou. Kathy my best friend pissed her pants literally from laughter at that moment. It was one of the greatest moment in my life. I felt a happiness and a freedom that can only be felt in the presents of true friends. So when I decided to write this blog, I felt some would read, a few might follow my story. Maybe one would come to know me,they would speak to me, ask questions, enter my world and learn the most private stories of my life. They would become a friend , and should call me as my true friends do.....Lou.

Skipping

On my own was not an easy task, before my child I would find myself sleeping any where I could lay my head. The state done with me, I was 16 now, why bother. One of the best places to go was a state park, there they had showers, and good easy places to hide. It was a place to feel somewhat safe at night. Sometime we could get food from campers, coolers, in the night. A friend had a car and sometimes we would all crash in the car. Drugs were sure to come and one could only resist temtation for so long. I was no different. It ran its course. It sucks the pain but brought on all new problems. Still shunned from my parents I turned to my brother for help. I did get a bed, but food, I was on my own. $2.25 and I bought food for days. I ate good, eggs and grits, and bread, butter I would take. It was hot and so much better than pizza from the dumpster. Food is a big thing to the homeless. It can take you a long way. My brother said I must go, parents were coming, out the door I went. A shelter, could not sleep but they would let you use the phone or shower, help in a way, anyway. But at night I was back on the streets. Some nights I would sit and pray to God and ask Why and beg for his help to take me away from this place. Some could argue that there is no God because How could one so powerful allow so many to suffer. Not what I though. I feel because of God I am here now, strong. I am still lonely, reaching sometimes in the strangest places for a friend. I have my children and they keep me going. New fears now. What will I become, when they are gone. Who will give me a chance, a job, something to make my life, my mark on the world. Fear holds me back. I am smart no doubt, I am alive as proof. I want to be something, I want when my life ends for people to say that I did good in the world and it is better because of me. I get over a 100 hits a day....people to read my story, a comment here or there, questions asked. I try to answer. Do I touch your soul, do I make you think? What does my story say to you? Do you fear me and people like me or do you want to reach out and offer a hand of friendship? We are here, there, a little bit of everywhere. So many you meet everyday and the story the hold inside never comes out. We are strong but weak all in the same. I have looked some of you in the eyes and held your stare, knowing you were trying to read me and understand me without ever asking who I am? Ask now, we are the same, only seperated by things that mean little. Power, money, fame, under it all we are the same. You can trust no more than I, so how......

In order to live one must learn to forgive. Sometimes it is the only thing that will allow us to continue on. So I decided even though I felt the world had wronged me I needed peace. Suicide had entered my mind on more than one occasion. I had even played out the role and have the scares to prove it. It haunts me as a daily reminder. It might be the thing that puts me in my grave. Time has faded them and the memories but they are all a part of me that will never go away. I wanted someone to hear my story to hear my cry. No longer for help, I am beyond that. I live my life for one purpose my children. God gave me my first, 17 years ago, she saved my life. She kept me alive when no other was worth living for. I grew up and learned. Many asked to adopt to take her from me, nothing more than a child myself. Offers of money, came but none greater than the love I felt for this child growing inside of me. I needed her and wanted her more than anything. I took beatings on a weekly basis out of stupidity, from a woman who promised me love. I went to the hospital beaten an broken more times than I can count and yet through them all I protected this little person inside of me. Where she came from or how she got inside of me was no longer important to me, all that mattered is she was mine and I would love her no matter what, nothing would ever change that and nothing has. I never had a mother, not one to love me and hold me and care for me. Not one to make me feel safe inside. I ache inside as everyday passes and I think of the children so much like myself that are in this world feeling the things I felt. I think I wrote and am writing my story for all those who read to open there eyes and see the children who need them. No child should ever be discarded like I, not one time but several times over and over. To feel unworthy of love is hard. I was a lucky one, I escaped, but I live with my past everyday. I think it makes me who I am. It makes me what I am not. It makes me what I will never be.

time to go

When it is my time to go, this will remain...My lesson to all who read. What is wrong with the way things are, keep reading and you will soon see. Open your eyes and your mind and absorb what I say. For this is true...every word I type, the sadness is the part left out. I am not sure the world is ready for my truth, the truth I have lived is more than some can bare. More than most wish to see. When it gets to hard remember me...not just me but the 100's and 1000's just like me. Some had it worse and some had it better. Who can ever judge. I lost a post, maybe it will appear. I will do my best to recreate it. Choices needed to be made. I was starving...days would pass without a meal. An opportunity came and went for all I had left.... I could eat, sleep, have a home, for what price would I pay, a sex slave said they. With all I had I stood up and left, happy I could for no one would miss. Disappear in a world and no one would know. I walked to a strip mall and there I stood battered and worn, not an ounce left in me to fight this battle. Out comes a stranger a lady no name, she ask if she could help me...no is all that came. She said please let me help you ,how old are you dear.. 17 I lied, for fear. Do you want to call home and let them know you are OK, sadly enough, I did, but no words came. Let me get you home she said, tell me your name. You can call the state they know my number as I have no name. She drove me to the airport and wished me good luck...as I bored the plane I turned and smiled, she deserved more than a thank you but.....In Atlanta I was greeted by two smiling faces, one a woman, one a man, and a nice shiny pair of Handcuffs. Led out while all stared, like a criminal, not a child. 2 hours we drove not much was said. Just we are sorry but no homes are available but we have a temporary bed. Juvenile hall...what more can be said. The guard, my father, a liquor store all tied together, what do I gain, a bible and a label.... Rich girl in jail. I sat for 3 days till a judge was available. I sat at a table while they argued..no homes are to be had. 30 days judge please give us that..not in jail, she has broke no laws, Millageville for an evailuation. A mental institution for no other reason than no homes were open. 30 days of my life I can never take back. Hell was in this place, it was, like no other. We were drugged to stay silent, and cause no trouble. 8 of us here 2 girls 6 boys. 2 in charge they ran the place and the guards. 25 days past with no bother, separate the screws and get paid a dollar. We are going to court the 2 announced, not real court, but our court, were you will soon pay a fine. The guards stood by and watch with amuse as I was held down and abused. I fought and cried and begged them to stop.....Why I thought as I walk out the door ...30 days later. No home was available...30 days ...I told her what happen and she listened in silence, never a word ever said, why even bother. Finally a home had come open for me. No need to look back she says as she leaves.

Black and White

Hard to tell if anyone is listening or reading I should say. 1,2,3 comments. Just think if I was Rosie with a story to tell. LOL The streets of Atlanta are no place to be...It didn't take me long and I was ready to go. I met a guy, don't remember his name or any thing else really, he was tall and lanky and full of hope. Florida he says is the place to be...Warm beach, work, lots of free rides. He had me where else was I to go. At least the sand would be softer and hopefully warmer. Miami bound...We arrived it was early..7:00am? I learned in the first 10 minutes that all I had been was a way to get a ride. Girls get picked up faster. I guess I can't complain at least I didn't have truckers hitting on me every 5 seconds. Anyone know what a beaver is? Hitch hike and you will find out real quick. Hungry and tired with no place to go. There was the beach ...what now? Days and weeks turned to a blur. Food was my fantasy and sleep was no more. I looked like crap and all that saw knew...what I had become. I avoided the drugs and the drinking, even though it would have been easy. My shorts barely stayed on, I cleaned the best I could. There were others around but alone I still was. Sometimes people just handed me money, I thought man I must really look bad, but mostly just stares and fear from those who didn't know me. Where was my savior, who really cared, I wondered daily if this was my life. I dreamed of a woman who would come and save me. Clean me, feed me, clothe me, hold me and let me call her Mom. I had a chance a few homes back but the barriers of black and white were up and none to pass. She was my teacher, she use to amuse herself by talking to me during test, then when the bell rang I would say I am not done and she would laugh as she took my paper. I loved her, felt safe in her class. She would let me sleep and when I would awake she would be there. I had an A in that class, she said I was too smart. She was my friend, she cared. She wanted to take me home, and oh how I wanted to go. But no...She was black and I was white and so...... I still often think of what my life would be. Maybe a little regret but still all has a purpose I needed to serve mine, so it was not meant to be

I have yet to decide into what depth I should go. If you watch TV.... it is the gory little details that all want to know. My mind has forgotten some it went through. 16 times I changed schools. There were times I didn't even go....Amazingly they passed me through. Home for unwed mothers is one place I went, but me..Independent living,with a twist. It was one of my better homes. Jet black hair, short, fat, but with care in her voice she welcomed me to my new home. I would share with 14 unwed mothers, and a handful of us....with no place to go. It was hard for me to live and know these girls, to learn there lives and there stories and then they too one by one would leave in the night. Return a few days later alone... thinner with a life lesson learned. I was sad for them, sad for their babies, fearful one day they would wake up and be taken from the life they knew. Sent away for reasons beyond their control. Fearful they would become me unable to trust, love, ...fear the moment I felt at home, I would be given my bag and told time to go. Marsha was her name she greeted me and I knew she was a friend. Patience she had, that.. I required, slowly made progress...but in the end it was the same. Off to a new place I would travel 3 hours with a worker, why even bother. The next place was awful...Please I begged my worker to no avail, I was stuck here and no matter how hard I tried I could find nothing good to remember. I left in the night for where I had no idea. I didn't care. On a journey where life would really begin. 14 or 15 I can not remember, Atlanta was decided. I learned to hitch hike nothing like an 18 wheeler. That is a whole new chapter.

Things to Remember

As you read my story, my journey, adventure whatever it may be....Please remember that if I could change one thing in my life, I would not. If one thing was to change my outcome may have been different...even though living through these memories may not have been pleasant I knew they were for a greater cause. I was learning, I was there for a purpose, I would survive because the knowledge I was gaining would be used later. That is what kept me going when I thought I could take no more. Don't get me wrong though...good times were there too but I doubt you would be here reading about my happy little childhood now would you...

The truth part 2

Sleep is hard. Back to school. Same school as before. Free Lunch! A thing of joy. Sell that puppy and save like crazy. The day is coming you know it. Why? Cause your happy, and you aint allowed to be happy. No Way! Jeff my friend ...my brother...for awhile anyway. No sex, just my friend, always my friend. We all worked even Jeff( he was thiers) but smokes were provided, pizza on Fridays no bruises, no finger prints. Other kids there. Two new ones come in. Parents beat them.... girl and a boy, 3 and 4. They were mine. I took care of them I loved them. Nobody would ever hurt them again. One day I came home and just as quick as they had arrived a few months back they were gone. No goodbye. Confused I sat and wondered why. Billy and Johnny. Not 2 guys My Mom and Dad for now. Johnny was in the hospital, I was safe for a bit but all the others were gone. I was safe.... I was learning to play the game. So many stories all in my head. Things I can say. Maybe later. I can come back and tell. My kids were gone, only a child myself, I could have taken care of them. Now back were they started, I cried, I was helpless. I wanted to die that night, not my first time, not my last.

The truth

I am here, that is true, and I am alone. You think to yourself why does no one come. The people you spent months with, or the ones who had you for years, the ones who kept you safe, even the oven never comes. I walked and walked for miles. I have retraced my steps, now, been back to that place, even now, I see it. It wasn't that bad but I had to leave, my mind goes blank I remember walking away. I just don't remember where I went. I know where I ended up though. RUNAWAY! Once the label is on you it never goes away. I didn't run I say, I told them I was going...I waited all night for someone to come anyone....RUNAWAY in my file on my papers. New family, new Mom, new Dad. How many parents can a kid have? I will never forget....make one mistake and you will move again...there are worse places. Only so many good homes to be had, your running out... beware. There is never a feeling like the one you get when you first walk in a new home. The fear, all the kids looking at you, wanting a story....your story. They ask but you know no need to tell. Rich kid. Still follows me no matter were I go. It sucks!

Come and Go

Kids come and go...I stayed for awhile. As long as I could, they were good. You pick the weeds, clean the trash, mow the yard, new kids..so why am I working so hard. I will do my job but not someone elses. I am leaving I say...I hear myself say the words. Shut up ,I think ,but no, not me, never. Everyone turns and looks, I will be at the corner call my caseworker, I will wait . I turned and left, alone again...always alone. Determined to sit on the brick wall till she came...Mrs Dikerson My protector the one who would save me from the wrong doings that were occuring. The nightmares were strong and real. Sometimes they came and went often sometimes I would go months without them. I am not sure when they began. I would awake they would tell me and stare off into space. No words would come when the screams were done. Maybe an hour maybe a day. In the mirror I would look and a handprint would tell the truth. A fine home I left to wait for her who never came.

A new Toy

I soon find that I am like a new toy. Funny, I started as a means to trap a guy so he would marry the oven. When that didn't work I was given away, that didn't work, passed again, still not working so here I sit a new toy for a new family. They get paid you know. I don't know how much but I know they were getting paid. I was getting paid too. Get a kid hooked on smokes and you can control them somewhat. Do chores or no money... no money no smokes. So chores I did, we did I should say. I was a spoiled little rich kid said so on that damn paper again. Bite me in the ass it does. So I should do extra chores so I can see what the real world is like. What ever ... I have worked for as long as I can remember. Not all rich kids have it made...well I did to a point but I still had to work. 8 I think I was and I was to sweep around the pool...pine needles, oh the joy. I left a few not good enough, do it again, and again, 5 hours later I am hand picking pine needles and the damn things keep blowing of the trees. To bed I go no dinner up in the am to try again and again..... I never worked though so here in my new home I must learn the value of a good hard days work. That I do... I am a new toy so I get the special jobs. There are many of us here. You would think there would be a limit a concern but no not here. No bruises here though just work and smokes and TV at night....life is good really it is.

To tell a story

I never planned to tell my story piece by piece bit by bit but in a way it feels good nobody knows me and I can say it all. No looks no pitty my private confessional. I never felt so sad as the day I was out working I am not sure of my age all seems to run together now...from years of trying to forget and bury it. The information is still there just the order that is confusing at times. I was no more than 12. My Mom drives by...she sees me I know...I look...I wave she just drives right on past me. Like a stranger, now I feel so alone so empty, summer camp with the new family is over, it is for real I am here to stay. No tears flow, not now, not here. Years later I find out that my new Dad my foster Dad saw it all, he saw it all.

so you can unadopt

Really did you know if you are not pleased with the choice you have made even if 10...11 years have past you can give the kid back. If you have the money you can. Guess what my Dad had the funds.

Foster Care

You aint kidden. Foster care as a teenager as a gay teenager. New parents want me to call them Mom and Dad. No way I have a Mom and a Dad and they will be coming to get me as soon as they see what a mistake they have made. I am sure of it. The other kids here are not me. Never have I been duct taped to the tolete seat for hours upon hours because I wet my pant. I had not been beaten or atleast I didn't think I had. All kids do get in trouble and all do get left with bruises right that is the way the truth the light that we are all to see as kids.. Of course because I am not a foster kid. yes I live in a foster home yes it says in my file that they want no contact, no counceling, I am done with over finished.... Why I still wonder I guess I always will. I wonder even today if I am the only kid to ever have been adopted and then given back because I didn't fit the mold that was planed for me, the image of the the perfect little girl in the perfect little family. I guess I will never know.......